


holy ropes.

by rarelypoetic



Series: stream of consciousness [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel's emo inner monologue, Coda, Gen, POV Second Person, Post-Episode: s11e14 The Vessel, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 06:08:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6226912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rarelypoetic/pseuds/rarelypoetic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas reflects on his relationship with Dean. Alternatively titled: reasons why Cas said yes to Lucifer. Not necessary to read the previous  story in this series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	holy ropes.

From “I did not leave you” to “I need you.” How many times will he tell you the same thing without actually saying it? You don’t know. Sometimes you think you’re imagining it all. His mouth tells you one thing, but his actions betray his real intentions. From this you’ve come to conclude that he doesn’t actually want you around. 

Because the fact is that he  _ did  _ leave you. Maybe not in Purgatory, but after. And he  _ doesn’t  _ need you - not really. He’s gotten along fine without you around. Sure, you helped avert the apocalypse, but you nearly helped start it, too. 

Dean has Sam, and you-- you just get in the way.

So you retreat into yourself. You wish you could avoid his prayers but they sting like sharp nettles. You get caught in them. His words surround you when you’re alone, inescapable. You should know by now that there’s no avoiding  _ Dean Winchester.  _ Not since you laid your searing claim on him in the depths of Hell and dragged him back to the surface, kicking and screaming and spitting fire. 

He doesn’t know about that part. He doesn’t know how livid and terrified he was when you raised him. He doesn’t remember begging you to be put back under. But you remember. No matter how many times you’ve been torn apart and deconstructed and put back together since then, you remember.

You remember the way his soul shook in your incorporeal grasp as he pleaded with you:  _ Please. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to be saved. _

And you, not understanding but thinking for the first time that maybe you wanted to. Christ. You hadn’t even seen his eyes or counted his freckles yet; he was nothing more than an insubstantial bit of glowing stardust, and he was already changing you. 

You want to fear him for it, but instead you love him. But maybe fear is adjacent to love; sometimes when you look at him you still feel some of that old inkling of terror. Angels aren’t supposed to be afraid, but you think you have every reason to be. Falling is a terrible thing.

**Author's Note:**

> i love cas more than anything. when he suffers, i suffer. :/
> 
> follow me @ [mostlygayy](mostlygayy.tumblr.com) if you want.


End file.
